Communing with my Saint

The blackbirds beckoned me toward the woods, reminding me of the autumns we spent under their myriad voices, flocked together to signal the change of season. I was going anyway, with the confluence of All Saints' Day and Deer Opener, my first as an actual widow, rather than the jokingly named Hunting Widow. But the... Continue Reading →

No Redemption Worth the Price

In the four months since Marrett's death, there have been a few moments of what Jaamil Kosoko calls "post-traumatic enlightenment".  The things that Marrett taught me have coalesced in important ways that are giving new shape to the way I carry him with me moving forward. My understanding of the afterlife is undergoing a complete... Continue Reading →


Today it would have been five. It should have been five. This year, more than any of the other four, we worked our marriage hard. Because we'd been under so much stress with my work and his career change, with family situations, and with a recurrent conflict between us, we started a marriage enrichment book... Continue Reading →

Choosing Self(ishly?)

A conversation I had with myself on the way out of therapy today (3 pm): Me: I'm exhausted. I have an hour before I have to pick up kids. I should do something nice for myself, like rest. Or eat. Wait, when was the last time I ate? Breakfast? Other Me: But you said you'd... Continue Reading →

Heroes of Faith

A sermon on Hebrews chapter 11   (read the biblical text here) Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. I stand before you as one who has very little assurance or conviction this morning, but I stand here nonetheless. It is faith which allows me to get up here... Continue Reading →

Cause of Death

Cause of Death: Immediate, Hypertensive Cardiovascular Disease Other Contributing Conditions: Hepatomegaly, Hepatic Steatosis Monday morning, the death certificates arrived at the funeral home, the signal I'd been waiting for to say the toxicology report was finished and the autopsy officially complete. I talked to the medical examiner Monday afternoon. He seemed as shocked as I was... Continue Reading →

The Question

I entered the church building yesterday for the first time since the funeral: to test it out, to see what it would feel like, to know whether I can actually go back to work next week as I have planned. On the one hand, it felt bad to be there, partly because everyone looked so... Continue Reading →

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